A kind of relapse.

I had been doing better. I think the stress of change – school starting with its new responsibilities and deadlines – has diminished my resiliency somewhat, added to which a persistent fear of academic and personal failure has dogged me since I first found myself unable to continue with full-time classes a few years back. It has … More A kind of relapse.

On Being an Aberration: Shared Experiences aren’t Everything.

When I talk with friends of mine who are either single or who married later than many of their peers, I find many commonalities between their experience and mine (with infertility).  We deviate from the seemingly normal course of life followed by our peers, and in many cases, not because we have chosen to.  (I … More On Being an Aberration: Shared Experiences aren’t Everything.

Beginning Again.

Within the space of a week, we found out we were pregnant and then miscarried. Numbness, disbelief, and a profound sense of injustice swirl amid sadness, loss, and anger.  As the shock wears off, the emotions hit stronger.  It was like getting slapped in the face or punched in the gut – having a rug … More Beginning Again.

Chaos on the Inside: Creation and Infertility.

I read once, while researching theological responses to infertility, that women who have suffered miscarriages experience their living bodies as places of death, as if there were tombs inside their bodies.  By extension, an infertile woman could experience her body as a place of primordial chaos, of uncreation, of emptiness.  Like the world prior to creation, my … More Chaos on the Inside: Creation and Infertility.

Notes on healing.

Some of what the barren women of the Bible teach us is that God is responsible for our heritage and continuance; that children are a gift from God.  (Mind, sometimes I am amazed and not a little perplexed at how and to whom he chooses to distribute those gifts). I am realizing, the older I … More Notes on healing.

“Contentment, thy name is certainly not Shannon.”

I am not the person who radiates contentment.  I think on some level I feel like being content in circumstances that are less than acceptable to me is giving in, saying it is okay when it isn’t, resigning myself to a fundamentally unsupportable situation. I know that really, my contentment or discontentment are not terribly material … More “Contentment, thy name is certainly not Shannon.”