I had been doing better. I think the stress of change – school starting with its new responsibilities and deadlines – has diminished my resiliency somewhat, added to which a persistent fear of academic and personal failure has dogged me since I first found myself unable to continue with full-time classes a few years back. It has … More A kind of relapse.
When I talk with friends of mine who are either single or who married later than many of their peers, I find many commonalities between their experience and mine (with infertility). We deviate from the seemingly normal course of life followed by our peers, and in many cases, not because we have chosen to. (I … More On Being an Aberration: Shared Experiences aren’t Everything.
It’s been a few months (since the miscarriage – which I think will become a point of departure in my own reckoning of my life). I have felt like I had nothing to say. Distraction was the name of the game for a long time, and to some extent I think still is (blessed Netflix!). … More Preach It: Mothers’ Day, An Outsider’s Perspective.
Within the space of a week, we found out we were pregnant and then miscarried. Numbness, disbelief, and a profound sense of injustice swirl amid sadness, loss, and anger. As the shock wears off, the emotions hit stronger. It was like getting slapped in the face or punched in the gut – having a rug … More Beginning Again.
I read once, while researching theological responses to infertility, that women who have suffered miscarriages experience their living bodies as places of death, as if there were tombs inside their bodies. By extension, an infertile woman could experience her body as a place of primordial chaos, of uncreation, of emptiness. Like the world prior to creation, my … More Chaos on the Inside: Creation and Infertility.
I heard a sermon yesterday about suffering and God’s response and reaction to it. The text was the death and raising of Lazarus. Jesus’ response to Lazarus’ death shows us that God is saddened and angered at the suffering that we face. As much as this may be the case, however, something bigger than Lazarus … More Suffering and Something Bigger.
This is the first Christmas in six years of marriage in which my husband and I have had a reasonable amount of time off and a lesser amount of external commitments. It is an opportunity to establish our own traditions and imagine the future of Christmas celebration in our home. It is hard to consider … More Merry Christmas, from our family of two.
Some of what the barren women of the Bible teach us is that God is responsible for our heritage and continuance; that children are a gift from God. (Mind, sometimes I am amazed and not a little perplexed at how and to whom he chooses to distribute those gifts). I am realizing, the older I … More Notes on healing.
On Thursdays, just outside my work area, there is a group of mothers from the community who meet and have coffee together. It’s a club to which I can’t gain admittance. I hear talk filter in of new babies and new houses; it is hard to hear and not feel deprived. I begin to feel … More Companionship and Incarnation.
I am not the person who radiates contentment. I think on some level I feel like being content in circumstances that are less than acceptable to me is giving in, saying it is okay when it isn’t, resigning myself to a fundamentally unsupportable situation. I know that really, my contentment or discontentment are not terribly material … More “Contentment, thy name is certainly not Shannon.”